Turning Temporary Goals into Automatic Habits: a Shame-Busting Guide
Today, I want to talk a little bit about how to turn goals into habits, but first, I wanted to say a quick thank you.
Many of you have reached out, either by replying to emails or over Facebook/Instagram, on a number of topics we’ve discussed recently, ranging from creating freedom in our lives to lifting for the first time to a radical change in food mindset. For whatever part I’ve played in any journey, I am eternally grateful. I’m so humbled that I could be of service (read: that my journey of doing market research- doing everything wrong so you don’t have to- can help out along the way J). Thank you for joining me! And feel free to bring anyone along who appreciates sarcasm, realness, heavy stuff, and memes. <3
On the note of realness, let’s get down to it: making changes is hard. Change really only happens when the pain of staying the same becomes greater than the pain of changing (I think that quote is most often attributed to Tony Robbins, but, if you Google, you’ll find some interesting sources and inspiring stories). And our brains are hardwired to put up with a lot of crap in the name of homeostasis (or, maintaining the status quo).
Put another way, most often, we really only change our behavior when we hit a wall of, “I just CAN’T DO THIS ANYMORE, AND I DON’T CARE WHAT HAPPENS; IT JUST HAS TO BE DIFFERENT.” *rips out hair*
Put into a more practical context (because that’s how things make sense to me, personally), many of us have been dieting for years. We’ve all been there: on board with the latest health trends, finding that it’s *really* difficult to cut out every carb ever, decide pizza does taste better than skinny feels and eat a whole pizza, keep backsliding into ridiculously fatty/salty/sweet eating binges until we feel super gross and ascribe to the latest ultra-rigid plan...again.
I’m sure you’ve done this, because so have I. Over…and over…and over.
Until I realized that all that was doing was making food a reward in my brain: if I ate “well” over the course of 5 or 6 days (“well” in quotations because, really, that meant “perfectly according to restrictive plan”), then I could have a cheat day...which reminded me how great pizza is…which turned into a cheat weekend. I’d feel justified doing that because, “I was so good!” Then Monday morning rolled around, I’d weigh myself and be up 4-6 pounds from all the fat/salt/wine/inactivity. I’d feel intense feelings of guilt and shame, tie it to my worth, believing that I was bad and shouldn’t be taken seriously in fitness because how would anyone ever trust me if I swing that hard over just 2 days?, and be on a rigid plan again, promising that *this time* would be different.
Sound familiar?
How about trying the newest workout trend- Zumba or Pound or P90X or Insanity or Beachbody or…you get the picture. Not that there’s anything wrong with any of these things, necessarily, but they clearly don’t provide the impetus we need to make them permanent (for most of us, anyway…or don’t provide progressive overload to continue seeing progress, in certain cases, but that’s a topic for another day).
How, then, do we find what it is that ensures that we’ll get the results we set out for in the first place?
First, we have to change our minds. Ditching perfectionism (because it’s total bullshit. Read more of my thoughts on that, if you’re so inclined and/or enjoy extra sass going up on a Tuesday, here) is key: we don’t need to be “on” all the time, and, in fact, believing so is doing both ourselves and our sphere of influence a disservice.
We all love to know that others are real: to see their vulnerability and how they respond and adapt. We hate acknowledging that in ourselves. I’m here to tell you, though, that we can’t really see true progress until we acknowledge that perfection doesn’t exist, in the long run, especially not when pizza/chips and salsa/Sour Patch Kids/Netflix/sick dogs/life are a thing.
A la Voltaire, being a little less perfect to be a little more consistent is where it’s at. Cutting ourselves some slack, acknowledging that we’re bound to screw up, just like everyone else, and making it no big deal releases the shame associated with perfection. And we all know that shame – a message that tells us that we are this screwup, and we’ll never get it right – is not a motivator, but a prison.
For whatever change upon which we are embarking, this is the key. A lot of us (helloooo, mostly speaking to myself, but hopefully this resonates and I’m not alone. If I am, you’re about to see one of the reasons my anxiety comes out to play, so keep reading for a show) fear change, because the associated pain of changing is really a fear of not being good enough.
We assign super-deep meaning to this change – we know whatever it is will make us a better, stronger, cooler version of ourselves – and if we fail to make it happen, then we are shitty/weak/lame. So, often times, it’s easier to stay where we are, and be kinda okay, than to try something new.
HELLO!!!!
Writing that down for the first time a few years ago made me realize how small and silly that was. Would you say that to your best friend, if they tried something new and didn’t get it exactly right the first time? To your kid? To your dog?
Okay, maybe to your dog. I’m not super lenient, emotionally, when Lara Croft chews something new. But, otherwise, come on.
Change is admirable. Trying to do better for ourselves is a noble pursuit, no matter the outcome. And guess what! 100% of the time, we become better, no matter what: we either learn something about ourselves, achieve a goal, or are a step closer.
So, how do we adopt this mindset to make change permanent? To move from temporary resolution to automatic habit?
1. Recognize that things don’t happen overnight. Going from 0 to 60 in 3s is for rollercoasters. We are people. An inch-step forward is still forward.
2. Speak to ourselves like we’d speak to a friend. Because we’re our own best friends, really: no one knows more about you than you.
3. Make a plan. Obvious, but true. Winging it is fun; knowing at least some of the incremental steps that it takes to get from point A to point Z (because very few goals are just one step, let’s be real here) is better.
4. Plan for the worst. Seriously! I’m sort-of a doomsday person, in that my brain immediately tells me 2509 things that could go wrong when I’m afraid. I’ve learned to use this to my advantage: take whatever the worst case scenario is in my head, realize I’ve figured out much worse before, and plan how I’d bounce back from this one, if it were to happen. The purpose in this is multifold: we strip the worst case of its power, we bolster our confidence knowing that we can fix that too, and we realize that that is super unlikely to happen, as there are a jillion different outcomes between that and the ideal.
5. Get going! The only way to know if a habit is going to become a permanent change is to do it. See what works about it, and see what doesn’t. Keep the good stuff, ditch the rest.
6. Edit. On the heels of step 5, improve upon what’s working (or simply keep it), get rid of the stuff that isn’t to free up some energy (mentally, at the very least), and add some more strategies. Repeat.
7. MOVE TF ON. If (when) we mess up, it’s easy to get bogged down and feel like, “what was the point of trying to make this change anyway? I knew I was going to mess it up.” But guess what, everyone messes up. LITERALLY EVERYONE. It’s cool. Every single second of our lives contains a choice to do better. Eat some French fries instead of squat? NBD. Go for a walk and have a stir fry for dinner. See? Back on track. Adios, shame.
Adopting habits really is that simple. Alright, it’s complex. But it’s as simple as cutting ourselves some slack, recognizing that perfectionism sets us up for failure, and realizing that doing the little things day in and day out – being consistent – is where the magic happens.
Big changes never begin as big changes. They begin as teeny tiny steps toward better, and, all of a sudden, one day, we’re totally different.
You got this.
